I was reading a beautifully written article the other day by a fellow blogger, Rougedmount, called, “Cuckold Fantasy to Fact.” The article made me realize that cuckolding is a relationship alternative that is simply not well known or even understood. I want to try and clarify some common misconceptions about it and explain why it might actually appeal to some couples. Along the way, I will also try to provide potential problems and pitfalls with it in an attempt to give a more balanced view of the subject.
Think about this, according to the National Survey of Family Growth, it was estimated in 2012, that the lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce was 40%–50%. Now to be completely fair, there are many reasons cited as to why marriages fail, including financial, communication, abuse, expectations, etc. But, on every top 10 list of why marriages fail, sexual problems/issues are always listed near the top. So, if 40-50% of all marriages are doomed for failure, can you assume that the other 50-60%, are in contented, happy and monogamous relationships? Not exactly because according to an article published by the Associated Press from the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 22% of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives, and 14% of married women have as well. Cheating in a monogamous relationship is not exactly a formula for a success.
Obviously, something is going really wrong in “traditional” monogamous relationships. It’s a statistical train wreck that on one wants to talk about. Because of tradition, we have been programmed to believe that the only possibility for a marriage to be successful is for it to be a traditional monogamous marriage because it’s society’s norm.
Things may be changing. The idea of interracial and same sex marriages were considered very taboo just 40-50 years ago, but are much more accepted by society today than ever before. However, at the same time, the idea of an “open marriage” is still largely taboo despite the fact it is practiced by many.
So, an interesting question to ponder is, is a “traditional marriage” the only way a marriage can be successful, or could an “open” marriage possibly be even more successful? This notion alone makes some people cringe, and very uneasy because if proven to be true, would turn society upside down. There have been many books and articles written by anthropologists, biologists, social scientists and others that suggest an open marriage may actually be a better and an even more natural relationship structure based on research of human history. There are some very thought-provoking and fascinating books on this subject.
How Common Are Open Marriages?
Good question! There are different types of open marriages. Swinging is by far the most common, but in recent years, polyamorous relationships and cuckolding are also gaining in popularity and practice. Since Swinging is the most common open relationship, how prevalent is it? Depending on the statistics it looks like it could be as low as 2-5% of the population or as high as 15% if you believe the statistics provided by the North American Swing Club Association. The reality is, it’s probably somewhere in between. I think the problem in being able to get a more precise number is that even some of those in the Lifestyle are reluctant about admitting it because of the social stigma attached to it. What needs to be done in my opinion is for there to be more serious research on (a) How many people are actually involved in it, (b) how long have they been married, (c) how long have they been practicing it, and most importantly (d) what is the divorce rate of those who practice it. While many believe that open marriages are more successful than traditional ones, until there is hard evidence which supports this idea, it will probably continue to be an “underground” type of relationship and not accepted by society.
While you see very little about open relationships in the media, investigative journalist Terry Gould’s 1999 ground-breaking book, “The Lifestyle” – The Erotic Rites of Swingers brought the idea out in the open. His book broke the story that millions of middle-class married couples in North America belonged to a worldwide subculture that the media had dismissed as “swinging”–a misfit relic of the 1960s–but which was (and still is) much more than that to its members. It is a fascinating book.
The demographics of swingers are also across the board. There are liberals and conservatives who enjoy this activity; there are blue collar workers, as well as white collar professionals including accountants, lawyers, doctors, dentists, etc. One of our swinger friends said that even the local pastor of the church was a frequent visitor to swingers’ parties in his community. I should also mention that some couples attend swingers’ events and while the wife is sexually satisfied by other men, the husband doesn’t participate but enjoys watching, so in effect, he is a cuckold, so there can also be some cross over.
Speaking of cuckolding, this is another type of open relationship that has remained largely hidden from public view, but is gaining in popularity and practice. This is one of the most popular topics on the blog and I want to address it, because there are a lot of misconceptions about it and what it really is all about.
What is Cuckolding?
A cuckold relationship can best be defined as a relationship in which the wife engages in sexual activity with other men while her husband remains faithful. All sexual activity is done with the complete approval, acknowledgement and support of the husband, and it’s often even his idea.
Cuckolding is often referred to as a “fetish,” but that’s a myth. It is a relationship type, not a fetish. Is swinging considered a fetish? No, it’s a relationship type and so is cuckolding. But, this can explain why cuckolding is so hard to understand and grasp for anyone who is curious about it, because of misinformation on various blogs and websites. Some suggest that cuckolding should or must contain chastity, a cock cage, orgasm denial, deep humiliation of the cuck, creampies, “fluff” duties, and the list is endless. The truth is, none of these activities need to be included in order for the couple to enjoy a true cuckolding relationship in its purest form. You don’t need to add anything else to it. Think of it this way, in your “traditional” married sex life, you may decide to incorporate SPT or other activities in your relationship, but you don’t need to. It’s the same with cuckolding, you can add different activities or fetishes if you choose to, but you certainly don’t need to.
Why Would a Couple Even Consider Cuckolding?
There are actually many valid reasons (my opinion) why a couple would consider a cuckolding relationship. This list might include:
Medical Reasons: Men become unable to get and maintain an erection, or they can be otherwise incapacitated from being able to perform sexually.
Increased Quality of Sex: Men can also have premature ejaculation or simply stamina problems, which makes it impossible for him to give his wife the sexual experience he knows she needs especially if she needs more time in order to climax.
Increased Quantity of Sex: It’s not unheard of for men and women to have mismatched sex drives. Dr. David Ley’s excellent book, “Insatiable Wives,” discusses the sex drives of women in great detail. It’s a great book and I highly encourage all couples interested in pursuing any type of open relationship to read it.
Husband Refuses to Have Sex: If you read the excellent article on Rougedmount’s Blog, you will understand why cuckolding is no longer an option for her, but a necessity. Some men for a variety of reasons cannot or will not fulfill their sexual responsibilities in a relationship.
Add Variety to an Otherwise Conventional Sex Life: Some couples may simply want to explore the possibility, perhaps it’s even been a fantasy shared by both of them. They want to bring excitement back into the bedroom, and cuckolding is a possibility that they consider as a viable option.
Sperm Competition: There have been countless studies of what happens when a husband actually watches his wife have sex with another man. In his blog “Why Women Stray,” Dr. David Ley addressed the issue of sperm competition as follows: “As Christopher Ryan, author Terry Gould, and researchers Baker and Bellis have suggested, there is a biological response playing out here, that affects a male sexual drive. After watching their wife with another man, the husband is prompted biologically to have longer, more vigorous sex, has a shorter refractory period between erections, ejaculates harder, and his ejaculate contains more sperm. Nearly every couple I interviewed told me that after an episode of the wife having sex with another man, the couple felt like they were “in heat.” Many men are in denial about this, but there are those of us that recognize how even an “imaginary” rival can serve as an aphrodisiac.
Penis Size: I intentionally listed this last because it is often cited as the main reason to consider cuckolding, while there are actually many other possible reasons, this is merely one of them. It’s obvious; some of us have small penises. We know it, our wives know it, and we are curious to see them experience a bigger one. It’s the same principal in the last article I wrote about “Not so small, small penis teasing,” in that guys who are even average or well-endowed are curious about their wives experiencing an even larger man. Thus, cuckolding is not the exclusive domain of men with small penises. More men have this fantasy than most people would ever know or care to admit. Women can also be curious if bigger really is better too. And beyond that, a woman’s body can change over the years and even through natural aging or child birth she may not be as tight as she once was. While her husband may have been completely able to satisfy her at one time, maybe now she is finding that a larger cock might be necessary for her to be fulfilled.
Why Do Women Object to the Idea?
So you’re a guy, and the idea of being a cuckold appeals to you and so, you eagerly engage your wife in a discussion. How will the wife typically respond? I can almost guarantee you that her initial response will not be favorable; in fact, it may be upsetting to her.
Why, because you’re suggesting a seismic shift in your relationship, so it makes sense that a woman would be concerned. Think about it, you are proposing that she can have all the sex she wants, while you remain faithful. This is a concept that some women think is an absolute impossibility. Plus, she may think you have sinister motives. Does he want to do this so that he can actually have sex with other women, or, does he want me to do this, and then if I do, he can say I’m a slut, etc? Other questions she is probably thinking about might include: Why does he want me to fuck another guy? Doesn’t he like the way I fuck? Wants wrong with me? Why does he want to farm me out?
These are not questions to dismiss lightly. There are a lot of thoughts and emotions that will be running through her mind and it can take a woman time to process all of this. They may still never want to do it, or, over time and after many open and honest discussions about it, they may gradually begin to see that this is something that may indeed be very exciting to them.
Why Does This Idea Appeal to Men?
This is one of the most fascinating questions of all. Why would an otherwise happily married man want his wife to have sex with other men? There is no “one size fits all” answer, but there are a couple of fairly common motivations behind it. Many more men than you would think, even those who might not even be interested in cuckolding have wondered what it would be like to watch their wife having sex with another man. How would she react? What would happen if the other guy is bigger, maybe even better or both? For most non-cuckold men, this is indeed a scary thought, but for the cuckold, it’s exciting and makes his pulse quicken and his penis stiffen. So, for a lot of cuckold wanna be’s, finding out the answers to these questions is a major motivator to exploring cuckolding.
Secondly, included in the reasons why couples might consider cuckolding, I referenced sperm competition. If you haven’t read much about this, I would encourage you to do so. For many of us, the introduction of a male, even an imaginary rival (dildo) can create an urge to mate with your wife like nothing else.
What are the Benefits of a Cuckolding Relationship?
The actual real or perceived benefits of such a relationship would vary by individual couple, but some might include:
Physical Appearance: For many women who have decided to take this leap, they worry about their bodies, and decide that to attract a hot guy; they want to be in better shape. Even guys whose wives are entering the lifestyle may be motivated to get in better shape to “compete” with his rivals.
Sexual Honesty: There is no longer any need or justification for sexual secrets, because everything is on the table.
Sexual Fulfillment: The wife is more fulfilled and has more sexual options. The husband is content too, because he has desperately wanted this, and even the sex between them will typically go from routine, to off the charts.
Better Communication: To enter into this type of relationship requires excellent communication and a solid relationship to begin with. To continue this kind of relationship requires even better communication.
How Do You Select the Right Guy?
So, you want to try this, but what goes into selecting the right guy. He is often referred to as the bull, the stud, the boyfriend or simply the lover. Questions to ponder might include:
(1) Are you looking for a bull who will service you regularly or a random stranger(s) (probably not the best idea)? Will the guy be married (could get complicated) or single guy? You should put a lot of thought into this.
(2) Where will you do it (home or a neutral location), how often will you do it? Will hubby watch or just hear about it? These are more serious questions you consider.
(3) What are your boundaries? This is a serious and important question for a couple to be able to answer honestly. What are your expectations, what are your limits? Think about them and know what they are going in.
The Bull-Cuck-Cuckoldress Dynamic
I have seen very little written about the psychological dynamics this kind of relationship has on the bull, the cuck and the Hotwife who is at the center of all the attention. In some cases the cuck and bull may never even meet, and are totally separate and never know what each other thinks. Another scenario is one in which they are aware of and there may even interaction between them. They not only learn to co-exist in the arrangement, but come to appreciate and celebrate the unique roles each plays in the relationship.
Aren’t All Cucks Really Just Wimps?
As far as cuckolds being wimps and losers go, this is another complete myth perpetrated by various websites and blogs. It’s really no wonder why some couples, who the idea is appealing to on the surface, quickly lose interest when they see the various websites on the Internet which promote the complete emasculation and humiliation of the husband. Because there is so little good information available on cuckolding in its purest form, many people become appalled at what they see and quickly discount it as a viable relationship alternative. Most of those involved in a cuckold relationship would probably agree that the fulfillment of a sexual desire is not worth it if the end result is to live in a permanent state of self-loathing or self-denigration.
There are many successful and “alpha” males who are engaged in this activity that could never be considered wimpy or a loser. They simply like this lifestyle because it works for them, and they enjoy it. Besides, being a complete doormat or pushover is not attractive to a spouse, even to a cuckoldress.
Are There Potential Concerns or Drawbacks of Cuckolding?
YES! Cuckolding will not fix a relationship that is already in trouble. It should ONLY be considered if the relationship is on really solid ground. Here are some very important concerns and considerations to keep in mind:
(1) Personal Safety: A woman and even a couple’s participation in this activity require common sense and considering personal safety should be at the top of the list. In addition, how much personal information you should divulge, if any is another serious consideration.
(2) STD’s: Any sexual activity does not come without risk. Understanding those risks and taking preventative measures is essential. Remember, when you have unprotected sex with someone new, you are having sex with everyone they ever had sex with. Sexual safety is of paramount importance.
(3) Emotional Attachment: The wife becoming emotionally attached to the bull is another important consideration to discuss. For a cuckolding arrangement to work the woman has to be able to separate out sex from the emotional involvement. And, don’t forget it can work both ways, what if the bull becomes emotionally attached to the wife? It’s not just women who can become emotional about sex, men can too.
(4) The Experience: What if the sexual experience is far superior or even just better than it is with hubby? If it is, how do you reconcile this fact? The reality is it might be, and your husband knows this. After all, he doesn’t want you to have bad sex. He has encouraged you to experience something new, so don’t kick your husband to the curb if it’s better.
So, Is Cuckolding a Viable Relationship Alternative?
I believe it is, but much like Swinging or other types of relationships, it’s obviously not for everyone. Cuckolding should not be considered unless both people are on board with it. It simply won’t work if one person is into it and the other isn’t. Others may object to it for religious or moral reasons, or, they may be perfectly contented with their sex lives as is, if that’s the case, it’s best to leave it as a fantasy, or forget it altogether. In addition, some couples love the idea, but they simply don’t want to complicate their sex lives by introducing a third party into it. But, even if their sexual relationship is great, they may want to add some spice to it, in which case, a fantasy cuckolding scenario (covered extensively on this blog) might be a safer alternative.
In the end, cuckolding is not for everyone, but it is a relationship alternative. Cuckolding is not cheating because everything is out in the open, and is based on full disclosure, diligent safe sex, and mutual consent. For the vast majority of couples who are in a cuckolding relationship, it’s not a daily thing; but an occasional, carefully negotiated break from their regular routine as a married couple.
What do the rest of you think? We would enjoy hearing from all of you, whether you are in traditional or open marriage.